What are we going to do?

Today, I got some bad news...or at least bad news to me.  I had gotten a seasonal part-time position at a retail store.  I was happy to be working there.  I liked the staff and the atmosphere.  I was hoping that I would become permanent part time employee.  Unfortunately, this week is the beginning of the "Thank-you" letters and I got one of those letters.  I understand that it's about what the business needs but I really wanted to stay there, at that location, with those co-workers.

My mom did inform me that another location is opening close to my house.  My issue?  I want to stay in the city I currently am in.  Also, the customers in that area are not as friendly.  Work is really what you make it but I don't think I'd like working with a bunch of grumpy people.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to apply but I'm also going to continue looking for work where I am right now and hope things work out better on that front.

I know have to update my resume to reflect the time worked and hopefully, this could be the start of another new beginning.  I hope I get to stay in contact with some of the friends that I've made, especially the one that promised she would teach me how to play the Pokemon Card game and the one who promised that he and his boyfriend would take me around this city in the summer to see the waterfalls they keep boasting about.

I now have to come up with a decent plan about my immediate future.  Time is ticking as to how long I can stay at the house I'm currently at but I do have a potential new place of residence to live.  Only problem is that I have to have the money to do something called paying rent.  I got no objection to that but I do want to have a steady enough income to afford it.  I'm actually surprised to see some retail stores are still hiring even though the Holiday season is over.  I'm going to apply for those and hopefully more recent retail experience will help move things in my favour.

PS:  I'm still hoping that if it's feasible, I get another seasonal position at the store again for the next holiday season.

Hater-ation is high

This whole entry came to mind with regards to something I saw on Ravelry but after what has happened this evening, I'm feeling it myself.

Let me give you a history, for those who have not been following my blog since the beginning of this year.  I am out of work and have been out of work for a year and a half.  I am tired of it.  I can't seem to get a full time job or even a part time job.  I can't seem to get an office job or a retail job, despite the fact I have almost 10 years of retail experience.  It's always an asset according to the person who's interviewing me and my resume is a great show of that.  However most of the time, I get no reply as to if I am employed.  It's only been for the last few interview that I have gotten a reply for.  They were both to the negative and I'm not happy about that but at least it shows that someone is on the other side, actually showing the decency to care and give me a response.

I personally don't think I'm asking for much.  I just want a job.  It can even be part time and for minimum wage.  At this time of year, it should be ridiculously easy due to the holidays coming up and every retail store known to man is looking for seasonal part time help.  This does not seem to be the case for me and I am trying hard not to start "drinking the hater-ade" but it's not easy.  There are times I really want to get in their face and ask "Why am I not good enough to work in your rinkydink company?"  "Is it because you didn't think you'd get a black person walking in when you saw my name on the resume?"  "Is it because I don't conform to the image you want to present to your customers because I'm short and fat?"  "Is it because my natural hair doesn't look professional enough?"

Most of my "hater-ation" is directed at myself more than anyone else or maybe it would be considered a lot of self-doubt. I keep thinking that I''m never going to make it on my own and that my mother will have to support me for the rest of my life and that's very depressing.  I don't want to be dependent on someone else.  I want to be able to make it on my own.

I do have one option right now and part time employment in Toronto will not be beneficial in the long run.  I just have to be a lot more aggressive with what I want to do and be on someone's back like a pitchairee (which is some kind of Jamaican bird that I have not seen nor heard of from anyone else other than Jamaicans but they are supposed to be very annoying birds).  It would involve me moving an hour away and putting more pressure on my oldest brother to take care of my mother.  She's going to have to start depending on him like she would depend on me and step up his game in this current house.  I am hoping that by the end of this endeavor, I'll be better off and employed within 2 years.

What makes it hard is that I know my mother doesn't want me to go, or at least not under these circumstances.  I'm pretty sure she wants me never to leave unless I am moving out to start a new family with a husband.  The prospect on that is low and finding Mr. Right is not my primary concern.  I really want a chance to go at it on my own and be independent.  On my own with my own place and space. 

I'll do the Ravelry and hater-ation that I had planned to do originally in it's own entry.

I feel guilty but I know I have to do it

It's a difficult place to be in and a hard issue to deal with. I feel like I am being pulled in 2 directions and with either decision I make, something will go wrong.

So here's the situation; and hopefully, it'll be a quick enough story.

I've lived with my mom my entire life and I'm currently 32 years old. Five years ago, after I got a full-time job, my mother packed up our household of six (mom, big brother, auntie, cousins B1&B2 and me) and bought a house. Things were going great for quite a few years and then it started to go bad. My aunt lost her job at a company she worked at for over 15 years. She found another job quickly but the income was no where close to where it used to be. A few months later, I lost my job. Within the year, my brother lost his job too. He's been doing much better than me since he managed to have a friend who had a mechanic shop give him a bit of work and has now started a new full time position that just started this week.  And I'm still sitting here unemployed and very discouraged.

I have an opportunity to go back to school in Hamilton, where I want to live. I would be on my own with a lot of friends and family living in the vicinity.  That's great, but my mom will still be here, an hour away in Toronto struggling financially to take care of the house.

I can admit I am a procrastinator by nature, which is definitely not a good thing.  Right now, I'd like to get a full time job, stay with my mom and put myself through school, part time. I have not been able to do so and it's becoming more difficult.

I even got an offer today to work at a collection agency in Mississagua. Problem? I'd have to work every other Saturday. It's very important for me not to work on Friday evenings and Saturdays all day. This is for religious reasons and it's very important to me. I told them the reason and I got a "thank you but no" response.

I know what I have to do and I don't have anymore time to put it off, unless I miraculously get a full-time job before January.

Keep your character and keep classy

I am happy for the concept of character and the fact that I have it.  Things have been going oddly, to say the least in regards to friendship in the past couple of months.  I generally take the pacifist approach to drama and avoid it like the plague. The only drama I like is scripted and on a screen.  So when it looks like drama is about to ensue somewhere near, I tread very carefully.

As far as I'm concerned, I have now been dragged into the middle of it and have been blasted in what I consider to be a public arena. I have been lied about, based on what has been reported to me by someone who was a close friend.

Funnily enough, I was just waiting for something to happen where my name would be dragged into this situation further. I accepted the information and was happy to find out that the person who reported the information knows my character and knows that I do not lie.

I admit I am not a perfect person and I will be the first one to tell anyone how lazy I am but two things I have always known about myself; 1) I do not give away people's secrets.  They are not mine to share. 2) I don't lie.  I am horrible at it and it's a skill I am happy that I don't have.

I am not even worried about what has been blasted about me. The people who matter, know me, know the situation or at the very least will come and ask me for the truth. Everyone else don't worry me. I can go to my bed with a clear conscience and get a full night's rest.

And as my birthday twin always says, "Keep it Classy". I have and I will continue to do so.

There really should have been a warning

My bestfriend and I went out to a new place to lunch. It's like a restaurant-wide buffet table. I decided on perogies, vegetables and couscous. I sat down to eat and went straight for the perogies, ate some vegetables and dug into the couscous. As I was eating, the back of my throat felt weird but I didn't think anything of it. When I was down to my last perogies, I looked at the half eaten couscous, and wondered what kind of vegetable they had put in it. Once I had examined it closely, I realized it was pecans.

I am allergic to walnuts and pecans. It's nothing to serious, I just may break out into a rash but it's nothing deadly. I even went back to the station and checked for  any kind of nut warning and there was sign. I just kindly informed them about the nuts and that there should be a sign of some sort.

I wasn't expecting any kind of recompense, especially since I had eaten over half of the nut infused couscous. But they took out a new container and asked me what 2 sides I wanted. I was surprised but decided on the vegetables again and mashed potatoes. 

Day ended well.

Personal diatribe

I guess it's safe-ish to put my rambling here where it's somewhat annonymous as opposed to Facebook, where I know my friends and family can see it. I just really need to get this out somewhere.

I am aware that I am socially inept (self-diagnosis). That would likely explain why I have very few close friends who are not family and it's not often I feel the need to be close to anyone. To me, I've always been like 10 years behind my peers socially. Heck even until this day, I don't get or understand how people get into a romantic relationship. I'm 32 and have never been anywhere close to gettin in one and as time goes on, I'm starting to care less and less whether or not it happens.

I am past the point where I cry every few months for not being in a relationship. All that got me was bags under my eyes an a massive headache. I've come to the conclusion that if it happens, it happens but it most likely will not happen. You really can't fully miss what you never had.

I don't really think I'm good at being a good friend either. I have these moments where I just want to be by myself. So people call, I don't answer the phone. They send a text, they are lucky if I even read it. I scan any email I see. I'll read it but I won't respond. I know this bothers people but half of the time, but I feel as if I do respond, it will not be genuine. I very much prefer genuineness over just doing a duty. I'm not sure if I want to change that from my character. I don't like fake and I don't want people telling me to do something fake because I'm supposed to do some kind of social nicety.

Someone close to me got into a car accident. They are fine. There are no broken bones, no fracture, no brain damage. Just a sore neck and back that will heal and probably turn then into a human barometer as time goes on. I was at the house when it happens. I left the next morning to do something that was prearranged. I went home afterwards. Apparently, it was expected that I was to stay with them. They have their family to stay with them. As far as I could see, I was not needed and there was nothing further i could do. The next day I called and there was no response nor was there the opportunity to leave a message. I sent a text the next day. They said they were fine and a few messages were exchanged. Now 2 days later, my mom is upset because I have not called or contacted since. She's fine and I'll be seeing her on the weekend.

I don't know if this makes me seem cold but there is nothing I can do, whether I am there or not. It seems kinda stupid to me to call and report back that she's find like the past few days. We don't really have anything to talk about and I don't really do small talk so what's the point? 

I have never been one of those people who spends hours on the phone. I'm lucky if I even make it to 20 minutes for the month in my phone. I don't talk much and when I do have something to say and I don't get a chance to say a word about it, it makes me feel even less inclined to talk to the person.

The only thing I'm starting to worry about is if this is the first step to becoming a hermit.

It's happened twice!

And it's annoying! I was working on another square for the Blankie and then put it down to so something else. Now I come back to do it and I see the red cord of my ChiaoGoo circular needles. I follow the cord and find the tip with no knitting on it. "Okay," I think to myself. "Must be on the other side." That needle is bare too. "Maybe it was on another set of needles? Please, not likely, be on another set of needles!"

It was not :( I'm not good at picking up stitches, especially when there are decreases and increases. So I just frogged the square and I'm getting ready to start it again.

For me personally, it seems as if the plans I had for myself will have to be readjusted. As far as I can see, it (meaning my schooling) will still finish the same time. I guess this will also give me an opportunity to get some more money for my living expenses. 

Positively overwhelmed

It's always nice when you find out people like the things you do. Yesterday morning I wine up to find some comments on my entry. Of course I was smiling with everything one I read. 

I went to church for a Women's Prayer Brunch. I was late but I still made it time to sing a few songs with 3 other women from our praise and worship team, all in a Capella. By the end if the prayer brunch, all four of us were receiving compliments on how wonderful we sounded. I was grinning on the inside.

I later went to a garden party for a family friend's birthday (had a vegan and gluten free 'chocolate' cake - delish!). I had a wonderful picture taken:

It was an 11 year old who took this. I doubt he'll see this but "Thank you E.B.!"

I was later talking to his mother who was admiring my knitted projects. By this time, my cheeks were in the verge of hurting from smiling so much. 

Keep in mind, I was still intermittently getting notifications in my email that people were commenting on my blog. Yesterday was a good day.

Finally Back Home

I have finally made it home from the church conference in Omaha, Nebraska.  The people in Omaha are some of the friendliest people I have ever met and I very much enjoyed my time there.  I would definitely plan to go back there someday.

I'm kinda out of the daily blogging mode and I do have to sort of catch up with everything that has been happening.  There have been a lot of personal changes for me that will affect my upcoming future.  I'm sure I'll write more about it as it comes closer.  Just know I will be moving, my mother is all for it (that was kind of up in the air) and I will be going to school as well.  No final responses on job prospects but I am not giving up.

I am now off to respond to all the comments I have received for my first Year of Projects entry for year 3.  I have never had so much commentary before on a single entry, even when I was blogging for the Sims 2.  I feels good to know that people are actually reading what you're writing and responding to it as well.  It also gives such a positive reason to keeping up with blogging.

Here's to getting back into the daily blogging mode.  I hope I haven't forgotten how.

Not much for today

I did some cleaning. Went to choir practice (my church is singing at the conference in Omaha). Came back to my bff's house. Had a rousing discussion with her family and ate a good meal.

I did a lot of fanfic reading for the Star Trek (2009)-verse. Apparently I'm a big Spuhura fan (Spock and Uhura pairing), especially after watching the first episode of the original Star Trek series.

This scene sealed it for me. I now want to go back and actually watch the show to see if I find any additional hint to a relationship. New summer catch up show :D

So this was my day...

I managed to make to my job interview interview and it went well. I won't know anything until they actually hire the managers who will do the actual hiring. I still have hope.

I got everything packed and ready to go for the trip to Omaha. I still haven't knit anything for the past couple days but I plan to rectify that problem tonight and knit while listening to a podcast for about an hour before going to bed.

Off to knit!

Come at me people!

I just noticed something about myself while sitting in the car with my best friend: sometimes people just want to vent. They don't want your opinion. They don't want your advice. They just want to get stuff off their chest.

I've learned over the years that I am good at that. My best friend is now a little bit less stressed and by talking it out, she has a better idea as to what she's going to do.

How will this get done?

Guess who has a job interview and has no idea how she's going to get there? ME! It's at a retail store that is actually like to work at and not far from where is go to school. I just have to find the funds to make the trip there. Therein lies the problem. I hate asking people for money but I guess I will have to.

Come a-Long Blog Update

This week was another Spock Sock week. I didn't even make it to the heel flap. I have about an inch to go before that part starts. I can't wait!

In a weak moment, this week I believe, despite the fact I have many WIPs, I casted on for the Tiberius socks. I haven't made it past the cuff yet so I have a long way to go.

I haven't touched any other knitting related projects this week, which I guess is fine for now and will be placed on the next Year of Projects.

I am going on a trip in just over a week from now. We have a church conference in Omaha, Nebraska coming up. This is one of the few states I have never been in. And since this is a road trip with about 13 hours of driving each way, I need to pack a knitting bag. I've managed to narrow it down to the Spock Socks, the Anklets and the Shapely Boyfriend. I think that will be enough on the knitting front. 

I'm also loading up my iPhone with podcasts and such to keep my ears entertained. I got the History of England, How Did This Get Made?, and the Sticks & Strings podcasts. Anyone have any additional suggestions?

Projects Completed for 2013:

Newton Socks | Ernie Socks | Pirouette Socks | Tulip Socks

WIPs:

Dark Isle Socks | Stitch Surfer | Hermione's Whatever-whatevers | Shapely Boyfriend Cardigan | Blankie | Bex | Anklet #1 | Baby Socks | ...fascinating (the Spock Socks) | Tiberius Socks

Hair dreams

Last night I was going through pictures on Facebook when I saw an old acquaintance share a picture of a natural style (natural as in hair that has not been processed or relaxed).

Let me just say that I love this style and would love to be able to do this to my hair but alas, my hair is not long enough.

It's getting there. I'll definitely put up a picture when it gets much closer.

Off to knit for a bit longer before going to bed.

Hopeful for the future

Things are starting to look up, or at least it feels like it is.  I've managed to do a few interviews.  I visited the college campus I want to get and everything educational wise is hinging on my highschool transcript which I actually know where it is.  I got a place I can stay while I'm in school.

So that covers education, employment and living arrangements.  Once those are taken care of, maybe I won't feel so stressed all of the time  When things are more finalized, I'll guess I'll post more about it but there's not much else to say.

Happy 84th Birthday Grandpa Part 2

Tonight was the night of the party. I sweep. I mop. I scrubbed the bathroom. I cut vegetables. I went to lie down. I was tired before people even arrived to the house.

Grandpa enjoyed himself. He had some of his grand kids around him. His godson even came from Hamilton to spend the evening with him. My cousin Trix even came by public transportation from one end of the city to the other just to see him too. Believe me when I say that it was a long time on the bus system.

And also, Happy 10th Birthday to B2, my little cuz whose friends all think I'm her mom!

I love her Afro puffs!

It was much fun

As I said yesterday, I had to pack a small knitting project while I went in my trip. I did but I didn't touch it. I was having too much fun in Niagara with my bestfriend.

We stayed at the Embassy Suites. It is a beautiful hotel. We didn't reach until almost 10pm and quickly went up to our suite on the 11th floor. I was shocked with how big the suite was. When we walked in, there was a sitting room with 2 couches and a TV. We passed through a hallway, which contained the door to the bathroom with a jacuzzi, and came across 2 queen sized beds plus another TV and a side view of the falls. We could see the Skylon Tower right outside the window.

After awhile of walking around the suite with our mouths agape, we went down to The Keg (vouchers are a good thing). I got a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes and a steak. Did you know there's a "more cooked" steak than well done? The steak was really good as was the mashed potatoes but what I was really looking forward to was the Caesar salad. I had had it previously from The Keg and fell in love with it. Believe me when I say that my plate only required a hot water rinse by the time I was done with it.

We went back up to the room and fell on our ridiculously comfy beds and watched the commercials about movies, trying to decide if we would watch them. The only one we agreed on was "Oz: the Great and Powerful". It was supposed to be $4.99 but it kept going up to $14.99 when we wanted to order it. So no movie. I will see that movie someday.

This morning was a breakfast buffet that reminded me why I don't go out for breakfast. I don't eat pork, I'm allergic to eggs and I don't really like pancakes. So my breakfast consisted of hash browns, ketchup and fruit. My bestfriend enjoyed the omelette station.

We checked out and went to Dave & Busters to use up a $25 voucher. Played some games, won some erasers, slinkies and poppers. 

And then the more serious stuff happened. We drove to Hamilton so I could apply at some of the job agencies in the area. One of them actually is associated with a French Immersion program which I would like to take advantage of.

Made it home tonight and I plan to get a good night's sleep.

This bear travels

Today was a full day some of my friends and I volunteered for the Tim Hortons' Run/Walk for the Camps in Bronte today. Of course for such occasions now, we brought out Cooper the bear from Canada's Wonderland.

We buckled him in to go on the trip over.

He cheered on the runners as they came up to the finish line.

He basked in the sunshine in one f the prize chairs.

He even helped gather extra donations by selling tshirts.

After all of that, family BBQ in Brampton. Suffice it to say, I am tired. Good night!

I went out to the movies

And I didn't see the new Star Trek movie or Iron Man 3. My bestfriend decided on Fast and Furious 6. 

The last time I saw any of movie of this franchise, it was under duress and the only reason I went was because my brother and his friend wanted to borrow my mother's van and I was required to go.

And as before, it was fun to watch but I'm happy I didn't pay. The only character I was sad about was about Han in the end. Ludacris and Tyrese were a great comedic duo...and I'm done.

We tried to take Sheldon the bear with us but the ticket cost was too high, so he stayed in the car. He's got his fur to keep him warm :)