Personal diatribe

I guess it's safe-ish to put my rambling here where it's somewhat annonymous as opposed to Facebook, where I know my friends and family can see it. I just really need to get this out somewhere.

I am aware that I am socially inept (self-diagnosis). That would likely explain why I have very few close friends who are not family and it's not often I feel the need to be close to anyone. To me, I've always been like 10 years behind my peers socially. Heck even until this day, I don't get or understand how people get into a romantic relationship. I'm 32 and have never been anywhere close to gettin in one and as time goes on, I'm starting to care less and less whether or not it happens.

I am past the point where I cry every few months for not being in a relationship. All that got me was bags under my eyes an a massive headache. I've come to the conclusion that if it happens, it happens but it most likely will not happen. You really can't fully miss what you never had.

I don't really think I'm good at being a good friend either. I have these moments where I just want to be by myself. So people call, I don't answer the phone. They send a text, they are lucky if I even read it. I scan any email I see. I'll read it but I won't respond. I know this bothers people but half of the time, but I feel as if I do respond, it will not be genuine. I very much prefer genuineness over just doing a duty. I'm not sure if I want to change that from my character. I don't like fake and I don't want people telling me to do something fake because I'm supposed to do some kind of social nicety.

Someone close to me got into a car accident. They are fine. There are no broken bones, no fracture, no brain damage. Just a sore neck and back that will heal and probably turn then into a human barometer as time goes on. I was at the house when it happens. I left the next morning to do something that was prearranged. I went home afterwards. Apparently, it was expected that I was to stay with them. They have their family to stay with them. As far as I could see, I was not needed and there was nothing further i could do. The next day I called and there was no response nor was there the opportunity to leave a message. I sent a text the next day. They said they were fine and a few messages were exchanged. Now 2 days later, my mom is upset because I have not called or contacted since. She's fine and I'll be seeing her on the weekend.

I don't know if this makes me seem cold but there is nothing I can do, whether I am there or not. It seems kinda stupid to me to call and report back that she's find like the past few days. We don't really have anything to talk about and I don't really do small talk so what's the point? 

I have never been one of those people who spends hours on the phone. I'm lucky if I even make it to 20 minutes for the month in my phone. I don't talk much and when I do have something to say and I don't get a chance to say a word about it, it makes me feel even less inclined to talk to the person.

The only thing I'm starting to worry about is if this is the first step to becoming a hermit.