Hater-ation is high

This whole entry came to mind with regards to something I saw on Ravelry but after what has happened this evening, I'm feeling it myself.

Let me give you a history, for those who have not been following my blog since the beginning of this year.  I am out of work and have been out of work for a year and a half.  I am tired of it.  I can't seem to get a full time job or even a part time job.  I can't seem to get an office job or a retail job, despite the fact I have almost 10 years of retail experience.  It's always an asset according to the person who's interviewing me and my resume is a great show of that.  However most of the time, I get no reply as to if I am employed.  It's only been for the last few interview that I have gotten a reply for.  They were both to the negative and I'm not happy about that but at least it shows that someone is on the other side, actually showing the decency to care and give me a response.

I personally don't think I'm asking for much.  I just want a job.  It can even be part time and for minimum wage.  At this time of year, it should be ridiculously easy due to the holidays coming up and every retail store known to man is looking for seasonal part time help.  This does not seem to be the case for me and I am trying hard not to start "drinking the hater-ade" but it's not easy.  There are times I really want to get in their face and ask "Why am I not good enough to work in your rinkydink company?"  "Is it because you didn't think you'd get a black person walking in when you saw my name on the resume?"  "Is it because I don't conform to the image you want to present to your customers because I'm short and fat?"  "Is it because my natural hair doesn't look professional enough?"

Most of my "hater-ation" is directed at myself more than anyone else or maybe it would be considered a lot of self-doubt. I keep thinking that I''m never going to make it on my own and that my mother will have to support me for the rest of my life and that's very depressing.  I don't want to be dependent on someone else.  I want to be able to make it on my own.

I do have one option right now and part time employment in Toronto will not be beneficial in the long run.  I just have to be a lot more aggressive with what I want to do and be on someone's back like a pitchairee (which is some kind of Jamaican bird that I have not seen nor heard of from anyone else other than Jamaicans but they are supposed to be very annoying birds).  It would involve me moving an hour away and putting more pressure on my oldest brother to take care of my mother.  She's going to have to start depending on him like she would depend on me and step up his game in this current house.  I am hoping that by the end of this endeavor, I'll be better off and employed within 2 years.

What makes it hard is that I know my mother doesn't want me to go, or at least not under these circumstances.  I'm pretty sure she wants me never to leave unless I am moving out to start a new family with a husband.  The prospect on that is low and finding Mr. Right is not my primary concern.  I really want a chance to go at it on my own and be independent.  On my own with my own place and space. 

I'll do the Ravelry and hater-ation that I had planned to do originally in it's own entry.